|Sometimes I think this has become my venting xanga. Its less than a week until Christmas...and about 3 weeks until I move into college. And I'm not ready for either one. I have most of the Christmas shopping done, but things as per usual just seem to be in chaos again...you know some many people say that your family is supposed to be a cohesive unit that lift each other up when one is struggling, share in their joys, cry together when times are hard, and I don't mean to sound like I'm putting my family down, but its like, I don't get it. I know I'm gonna lose my best friend...I sit here at this laptop and look at the picture for a year ago, and just knowing that our friendship has taken the turn that it has worries me...is it possible that this is the way all my friendships are going to end up? I mean if you look at my friendship, I really don't have many close friends. Sometimes I wonder...what is it with me that seems to push all my friends away? Am I so afraid of getting close to someone that I do one of two things...I either push them away before they find something that will make them leave...or do I make the mistake that I made with Dave...and tell people about me...feel like they actually cared and then they push me away. It just bugs me sometimes that I'm 23 and I don't have any stable relationships...haven't had one for five years...is this the bed I have made for myself? I know all the right things to believe, that God's plans are better then my own, that He isn't going to put people into my life until I become ok with myself, that I need to be in a stable church home to get encouragement. It just seems like its not everyone else that is the problem....it is me. |
To my few and faithful readers,
The ones that no one reads anymore. But thats ok because I can write down how things are really going. I recently decided to apply to Geneva College. I have plans to major in two different things, getting my undergrad in christian ministry with a specilization in missions and also psychology, that way I can use that as a stepping stone to be allowed to go into the foriegn countries where therapist and counslers are needed to reach out. I think that this is the best fit for me right now. I haave spent some time ignoring wht the Lord wanted me to do, and mayabe now this is the right time and the right place for me to head to "real" school. My sister is currently enrolled there, which is kinda reassuring, but I am worried that she isn't telling me how she really feels about me moving in there, that is if I get accepted. I feel like she would feel like I am treading on terriority that is hers, because it is more her school then it is mine. I'm just worried that if I do get accepted that this is how she would feel. But we shall see, I keep wondering if this is where the Lord really wants me, and I of course can not be one hundred percent sure, but I think for the first time in my life this feels right. It feels like I am doing the right thing. I feel like I have spent a few years trying different things, resp therapy, random classes, among other things, and Geneva feels right and it feels like things might be falling into place. But of course that is all set upon me getting accepted which I have not yet done. I sent in my application, sent in my transcripts, sent in the deans letter of transfer and now all I have to do is wait. For how long, no on really knows, but I am trusting that God knows better then I do, and that He is directing my steps. But if anyone does read this, prayers are appreciated. Because Lord also knows that i am not sure how I am going to pay for this, its about a 30,000 per year college and that worries me because I don't know where i am going to come up with that and I don't want my mom to take out a ton of loans when for the past 5 years I have paid my own way through school, paid all my bills on my own, worked full time. So why should she have to take out all that money? It just worries me because I want the Lord's best for my life, but sometimes I wonder am I being wrong again? Am I following what I want, and not what the Lord wants? How do we know when are in the Lord's will as opposed to our own? Just a few questions running through my head. Scary to think that I am 23 years old, embarking on a journey that I feel like I hve five years behind.
I guess since no one really reads this anymore it is probley safe to post how I am feeling right now. I cant lie and say that thing are going really good right now. I have been feeling really realy defeated in my life, both emotionally and spiritually. I guess when you try to change a bad thing in your life, the devil finds other ways to drag you down and he has definatly been working the cards with me these past few days. Ever since i started going to therapy my emotional life has been on upside down roller coaster. Dealing with the past is not fun at all, i wish it would just dissapear. I feel like God is breaking me down until i have nothing left and i feel like i dont. I was thinking the other night about what life might be like if I didnt live here anymore...if my famiy was just them and not me. I mean you got my older brother who has his own family and a successful job, my younger sister who will be going away to college, a real one, not like the stupid community college that im stuck at. It just bugs me because i feel like my mom is really dissapointed in me and she just wont say that to me. Like i hear her talking all the time about how happy she is that my sister is offered scholarships at 4 year universities, and how her grandson is all she can talk about, but not about me. I just dont understand God anymore. Haven't I done enough, havent I been through enough to deserve a lil bit of break...I know its only by Gods grace that I am saved and can be called his child and have the privelage of coming to him in prayer and thanksgiving and in sorrow, and dont get me wrong im not doubting my faith or anything like that...this is just whast in my head right now. And i know that i have to fight against these thoughts that there are...the thoughts of no matter what i do, im still going to be the fat girl, the girl that guys only want for a short time and then throw away like garbage, im not the girl that they wanna be with forever. The words used to classify myself, im sure i know them, just typing them right now wont help, just make me cry.
Tonight was a really good night. My sister and I went out ice skating atthe christian skate night at our local ice rink and it was fun grooving to some christian music, making complete idiots out of ourselves but no one really cares...i mean we arent going to see these people again more than likely so why not right? I think sometimes it is so much fun to get out of ourselves and just have fun and act like an idiot. Are there times to be serious, of course there are but sometimes being a moron is just more fun....
On a side note to that things are still going ok...still single and still enjoying it a lil bit. Im realizing that my singelness is a gift...but at th esame time, id really like a boyfriend. Its still hard when a lot f my friends and family even are getting in serious relationships and its like im hanging back waiting until God says its my turn. And thats kinda hurts becaus its like i want it to be my turn. And i know i keep writing about this, because it is something very near and dear to my heart. I miss being with someone. Granted i havent dated someone in 4 years and im probley out of touch with what normal relationships look like, but i would still like a guy right now. Which makes me wonder what am i doing wrong? Should i be dressng more like the girls at school who have no class(in my opinion) or no modesty wht so ever? That not me, never has been, never will be? Do i dress like a guy or a slob...no....but am i going to go aorund in short skirts or low cut tops...nope thats not me. So i guess what i wonder from both sides, guys and girls, is where do you draw that line...how do you get a guys attention wthout acting or dressing like a slut? Anyone who reads this would like to put input in...id love to hear it.
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, in the relationship department. A lot of questioning you could say about what makes on successful or what makes one nonsuccessful...is it really about the looks? I mean of course you need to be attracted to the person, but are we all sooooo superficial that thats all we see at first? I recently went back to the gym, to work out(not to meet a guy but to healthy for myself) and believe me i dont think im fat, i think im about average, but lie all the guys there, it seemed to me like the only girls they would talk to, was the one with tight shorts on, or tight pants on, and it got me to thinking...where are all the good guys at? Why is it that when you find a guy you click with that he only wants to be friends? I've heard the cliche a thousand times, you'll find one when the time is right and when God decides he wants you to have one, but at the same time being almost 23 years old, and seeing like almost all of my friends in serious relationships, just makes me want one to i guess. I guess it just hurts being alone. I mean yes i have friends to go out with, but when you go out with them the significant other always has to come and it almost feels like your the third wheel...but i guess what im wondering is, where all the good men at...and what am i doing wrong that no one of them seem to want to pay any attention? Or do you have to look like this to get anything?